Dear City Commissioners:
Evidently you are proceeding with your plan to build a Walmart IN MY FRONT YARD despite my poignant story of what the cornfield means to the residents of Woodland Street.
So be it.
Here are our terms. We, the Homeowners of Woodland Street and allied streets including Daisy, David, and Edgewood, hereafter referred to as HOWS, accept the commercial presence of Walmart and its satellites provided you gentlemen and gentlewomen broker the following privileges for us:
* Each HOWS will receive a personal grocery buggy that we can keep in our garages since we will not need to drive because we are closer to the coming Walmart than the mattress store is to the current Walmart. HOWS buggies will be bright yellow to distinguish them from the gray general population ones. Monogramming will be optional.
* HOWSes will have a small back access for ourselves and our yellow buggies on to the property through the thick wall of hemlock pines I am certain you intend to plant – a simple card-swipe gate for HOWSes only.
* HOWSes will have access to a walking/jogging path around the perimeter of the new facility with mile markers designated. No dogs allowed. Really, this is the least Walmart can do.
* HOWSes will be provided light bars and sirens for our vehicles to allow ingress and egress from what will be a gridlocked St. Joseph Dr. onto Woodland Street and vice versa.
* Each HOWS will receive one jar of Nutella per month. The 26 oz. jar, not the 13 oz. one. Non-negotiable.
Believing these terms to be imminently reasonable, indeed generous, and awaiting your response, I remain,